Fighting to Forgive

Learning how to forgive my father for the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse he engraved with scars across my body and along the vessels of my heart is perhaps the most humiliating yet humbling lesson still yet to embrace. How to accept the actions of this man who's never openly acknowledged these heavy and intensive scars he's constructed goes beyond my mortal capabilities.

My father held great knowledge and wisdom pertaining to the law. Raised in a christian home, he understood gospel doctrines and principles sharply. Playing the roles of a sheriff deputy, priesthood holder and father to whom a child should look to for protection, security and love was he whom caused my spirit much confliction.

I vividly remember walking into school with black and purple marks on my body, I eagerly approached my fourth grade teacher for help. As a newly certified sheriff, he would demonstrate and practice his takedowns on me, throwing me to the ground and handcuffing my arms behind my back. He found fulfillment in my pain, leaving him with feelings of power and dominance. Sitting in the nurse's office as she examined my body, a flood of fear filled my mind as she reached for the phone to contact my father. As a master manipulator, he somehow convinced my school nurse nothing servere was taking place at home, and she sent me on my way back to class. After awhile, I grew numb to the physical abuse.

Eighth grade approached. Physical and emotional abuse from my father transformed into sexual comments, then sexual demands. From time to time, my father would introduce me to many strange sexual objects and clothing, nagging me to try things on for him. I always refused. As time went on, the severity of my abuse grew more intense and memories of being sexually abused by my father at five years old clicked like a lightbulb. Eventually through countless miracles and without much effort on my own, I was rescued from my abuse through a phone call made to Child Protective Services by my grandmother.

Today, sparks of anxiety flutter in the empty cage of my stomach when reading the commandment given in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 which states “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” Admittedly, there are times where I feel great pity concerning the temptations he’s to overcome. I sense a deep loneliness within his soul as he lingers to trod through the dirt gravel road in search for complete happiness. Through this struggle, I’ve gained a deeper understanding that no man is made perfect. It’s ok to forgive, yet forgetting isn’t made so simple, and are we made to forget one’s faults? I believe remembering the pain and afflictions caused by others is a valuable lesson and once applied into one’s life can create majestic and powerful ambitions for change for the future. Never forgetting molds the mind to finding greater compassion and acceptance, assisting our understanding of the baggage every human drags along with them.

Eventually, through soft steps of an infant, I too can learn to love and forgive like the Savior. To feel Christ’s compassion and love for an empty man who tossed his family into the sea for the shining pearls of temporarily pleasures. There is no struggle too strong for the atonement of Jesus Christ.