Miss Communication

One of my favorite personal mottos is: It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Ever since I was a little girl, communication has always been a topic of interest for me. Perhaps this is why I decided to make it my major. According to ICOMM: Interpersonal Concepts and Competencies, Communication is defined as a "conscious or unconscious, intentional or unintentional process in which feelings and ideas are expressed as verbal and/or nonverbal messages, which are sent received, and comprehended. Communication is dynamic, continuous, irreversible, interactive, and contextual." I have yet to find a better definition. How we receive and send messages is extremely important in every relationship.

We all, even those in the animal kingdom, communicate through verbal and nonverbal messages. We have been communicating since we were born. The cry of a baby could indicate many needs that he/she can't verbally express yet, like hunger, discomfort, or fear. Growing into infant age, children may often communicate through pointing, laughing, facial expression, etc. Point is, we all can communicate as we do it on a daily but how much of your communication is conscious verse unconscious? When we communicate, we should focus on being understood clearly rather than being misunderstood. Miscommunication for me personally I've found to be the #1 reason for conflict and tension in any relationship.

Through my observations, we commonly miscommunicate through our tones and body language. I can seem to be a pro at ineffectively expressing myself, so please call me "Miss Communication". For example, my boyfriend at the time and I were standing in his kitchen talking, preparing to head back up to school. Our topic of conversation I wouldn't necessarily consider an urgent matter as we discussed plans for the day and feelings about the weekend. Being someone who cares deeply about this significant other at the time had been worried about concerned about him and with those thoughts on my mind, made my expressions of communication very vague. When he prompted me to understand more, I was foolish and unconsciously grabbed the items we had packed to put them into the car as I finished my sentence. This was communicated badly on my part. This left him with a perception that I was either upset or wanted to disassociate myself from the conversation. In my point of view, I simply wanted to continue the conversation as I only desired to multitask which I can see was wrong on my part.

When we often communicate, I've learned overtime that it's important to give those your communicating with your full undivided attention. Although I may be a communication major, I am always still learning and finding ways to better my communication skills. It's important to remember that our communication is a lack of will, not necessarily skill.

A study found that on average when we receive messages we intake 15% of words, 35% of tone and 51% or nonverbal communication. Do the words we use matter? -Absolutely. However we tend to understand messages more through how one communicates them. -It's not what you say, it's how you say it

I was recently on the phone with a friend as I was expressing some deeper rooted information concerning my life and expressing how some of those trials have made me who I am today. His response was, "Oh! I had no idea you were so broken!" *Big sigh. If you're thinking what I think you are, -definitely a bad choice of words on his part. Luckily I understood what he was trying to say however that word "broken" stuck out like a sore thumb for the past few weeks that I've seen him in person.

Another friend of mine that I often communicated with on a daily seemed to almost always be stressed and would affect his tone of communication with me, making me take it personally as if I've upset him when that wouldn't necessarily be the case. The tone in that relationship was often miscommunicated leaving me with feelings of hurt and confusion.

It's extremely important to be aware of the conscious and unconscious ways we communicate and express our thoughts and ideas. The more we internally think about the best and most respectful way to communicate, the better our messages will be received.

What experiences do you have with miscommunication? I'd love to hear from YOU.