The Beauty of Blended Families

Going back to my very first blog post titled Defining the Family, it is so extremely hard to put together a concrete definition that includes every family unit we see. American families especially are beautifully diverse in culture, structure, and systems.

Although the divorce rate seems to be fairly low at about 20%, it's interesting how statistics from the US Bureau of Census gives us statistics that over 50% of US families are remarried or re-coupled, 66% of those living together or remarried break up when children are involved, and that 1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day.

I find it extremely interesting how no two families are the same. How are these statistics helping our future generations to create and maintain nuclear families? It's fascinating that divorce rates first spiked in the 1970's when no-fault divorces became prominent, this gave couples the opportunity to divorce just because they no longer desired to stay married together. The four A's that reasoned a divorce before this time period were known as Abuse, Addiction, Adultery, and Agenda's. The children of those divorces in the 1970's also seemed to have high divorce rates in their marriages as well, which was the start to witnessing generational patterns of divorce. I wonder what patterns or family systems we will see within 10 years from now.

While on the topic of blended families, I would like to share my observations from my own experiences. After many many years of putting up with abuse, addiction, and adultery from my father, who would exclaim he's working overtime but would go out clubbing with his buddies, and continually manipulating and abusing those members within our immediate family, my mother's final decision of filing for divorce didn't come until events seriously peaked in our home.

The divorce process for our family which was started in 2010, took about a year and a half. During this time my first youngest brother being age 11, and myself at 14 were given our own legal lawyers who would speak on our behalf concerning our living desires moving forward. The outcome of the divorce was that our mother had full custody of both my younger brother's and I. Visitation rights would be granted to my father in a family counseling facility which I thought to be fair.

My mother remarried in 2013, expanding our family with 4 older step-siblings and a newly older step-father. I personally was not a fan of this marriage, particularly because my brothers and I barely knew this guy.

6 years ago, I unenthusiastically slumped into the beauty chair, seated next to my mother for her wedding day hair and makeup. “She barely knows this guy”, I quietly thought to myself as my makeup artist started to fill my pores with foundation and such. Small talk over wedding plans for the day filled me with uneasiness over what the future could hold with this new marriage, scared for another repeat of what once was.

Any sort of adult male figure at that time of my life filled me with slight anxiety. My mother is a simple, quite, logical thinker whose taken much hardships silently over the course of her life, never allowing her outside appearance to show such emotions. The last thing I wanted was her heart to become broken again.

Although my feelings towards Bill started off very cautious and closed off, it didn’t take long to see that sometimes he understood me better than I had previously thought. By small and simple means, I grew to have a great amount of respect and love for a new father who learned to fill that empty role in my heart. The title of Father surely didn’t come easy, as it took years of building our relationship with trust and respect, as I believe that special title is to be earned. Today I’m extremely happy that my mother found such a loving, and hardworking man who can give her the much needed love and respect that she so well deserves.

I would be lying if I said this transition was easy, in fact it's still a transition that my youngest brother, being the only one in the nest at home still continues to struggle with. I hope that we can all continue to grown in love and strength throughout many years to come.

Perfect Parenting

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been curious and mindful of how one parents their child(ren). I was born into a home where my father took an authoritarian parenting style which is defined as favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority. I think being surrounded in law enforcement naturally made him more prone to assuring demands and discipline than what was needed in our home. Although I can understand and view partial perspective of the background of my father's parenting, there is still no excuse for the excessive manipulation and cruel abuse that took place under our roof.

On the other hand, before the divorce my mother was a relaxed ruler. I can only assume because my father was so aggressive and manipulative that my mother parented more on the sidelines. It could have also been that she felt threatened often by my father as well, feeling the pressure of living up to his expectations.

Authoritarian parenting is completely different from authoritative parenting which is defined as parents who are responsive to the child's emotional needs while having high standards. They set limits and are very consistent in enforcing boundaries. This particular style of parenting is highly effective in providing the best successful outcome for their children. It is found to be produce the best outcomes for emotional health, social skills, more resiliency, and secure attachments with their parents.

This parenting style reminds me of a childhood development activity we did in high school. I remember walking into class with a marshmallow, popsicle stick, and a fuzzy pipe-cleaner on my table. We discussed how there are mainly three parenting style; the marshmallow represents parents who allow their kids to rule their own lives, the popsicle stick representing parents who control the lives of their children, and the pipe-cleaner as you could guess being the middle man of both extreme parenting styles. The pipe-cleaner has the ability to bend, yet is sturdy and stable enough. We were taught that our parenting styles should be more like the pipe-cleaner, setting rules and boundaries for our kids but also allowing them to be part of that decision making process, especially when it comes to punishments. I think it's great if a child can best understand why punishments and consequences are put into practice when we disobey so they grasp the concept that my parents aren't punishing me, it's a natural consequence to when I disobey or make a bad decision.

Michael Hopkins said "The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare your children to survive and thrive in the world we live in." My question for you is how is your parenting style protecting and preparing your children to leave the nest one day? Every parent I've met has exclaimed that their children grew up way too fast, and so it's important to recognize that the time we have with our children is valuable. The lessons we teach them, by our examples, love and security are valuable in the development of our children, to prepare them for success. Parents please understand that your actions and examples are engraved in your child's mind 10 times more than any lesson you try to verbally communicate. Memories are burned into our minds by the use of all 5 senses, not just one (listening).

Lastly, I would like to share with you the joys I had being a universal pre-kindergarten teacher. I absolutely adored the children no matter which moods they walked into our classroom with. Our kids are precious and their brains are sponges, soaking in as much information as they can. Parents, I understand the need for daycare. I get that there are many single parents who can't attend to their children as often as they would like and are forced to put their children into daycare facilities. The teachers at daycares do their absolute best to teach mainstream successful habit that your children can grow and take home with them. We do our jobs with an outreach of love for your child when you drop them off at daycare, however please know that it is extremely important that you still parent and strive to spend as much time with your children as possible. Parenting can't and should never be replaced by others.

We can never hold the title of perfect parent, but let us always be mindful of the best interest in fulfilling our children's needs while teaching and preparing them to thrive in today's world.

Fathers & Finances

I've heard time and time again that one of the biggest factors of disagreements and arguments within couples are over finances. It's true that money plays a huge part in our everyday living however with unified goals and consistent communication we can limit arguments concerning finances or anything else for that matter.

Since the Holiday's are approaching fast, money is on everyones minds. Coworkers are eager to pick up shifts for an increase of income for everyday bills, holiday gifts, etc praying that their table's tip well. At the Olive Garden I work with a wide range of friends with all different circumstances; a couple having their first child, a few newly weds, coworkers who are divorced, single moms, and more. This financially demanding time of year can be a huge stain on all families, particularly ones whom are going through a divorce bringing a ton of financial questions and changes from what used to be.

In 2010, my family started the process of divorce which became especially hard on our family, particularly on our mother who cared for all three of us children as our father left the picture. Hardships emotionally and financially took a toll on our mother who suddenly had to provide for our family on her own. We were given help through generous family members and church leaders whom became aware of our circumstances.

We had moved recently into a small townhome a few months prior to the start of the Holiday season. My younger brothers and I weren't expecting much or anything that Christmas as we knew Santa wouldn't be making the rounds to our home that year. We did our best to help our mother with small tasks and some bigger responsibilities like getting a job to pay for my own needs. It was a great learning and growing experience.

Christmas day came as my brothers and I went about our normal day activities with not much thought to the commercial needs of gifts. A few hours passed that morning after breakfast as a white garbage bag full of gifts and goodies arrived at our front door. Honest confusion overcame me as to why we suddenly had boxes wrapped with small ribbons incoming our living room then realization that these gifts were for us through the generosity of some members from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Gratitude and warmth filled my body just from the thought that others were mindful of our families financial circumstances even tho we were content and happy with what we had. I think perspective is an amazing thing. Children who can be raised in some of the poorest living conditions may not view their financial burdens as setbacks and neither should they.

Did you know that 1 out of 4 children under the age of 18 are being raised without a father. Having a father in the home is particularly important for the growth and nurture of their children. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint, I personally believe that it's important two have the roles of both a father and mother in the home. Father's and mother's carry both specific and fundamental roles and characteristics that are vital to the growth of children. The Family; A Proclamation to the World stands as a document in the church that provides important guidance and warning concerning the structure of our families and the responsibilities and duties that parents have to raise children. The link is provided below.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

One of my favorite quotes from this document is that it states that "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." I love this because no matter the types of families we have today, as we grow together in our family units with love, respect, faith and other key principles that are important to build a grand society and community, then we are changing the world one family at a time.

Miss Communication

One of my favorite personal mottos is: It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Ever since I was a little girl, communication has always been a topic of interest for me. Perhaps this is why I decided to make it my major. According to ICOMM: Interpersonal Concepts and Competencies, Communication is defined as a "conscious or unconscious, intentional or unintentional process in which feelings and ideas are expressed as verbal and/or nonverbal messages, which are sent received, and comprehended. Communication is dynamic, continuous, irreversible, interactive, and contextual." I have yet to find a better definition. How we receive and send messages is extremely important in every relationship.

We all, even those in the animal kingdom, communicate through verbal and nonverbal messages. We have been communicating since we were born. The cry of a baby could indicate many needs that he/she can't verbally express yet, like hunger, discomfort, or fear. Growing into infant age, children may often communicate through pointing, laughing, facial expression, etc. Point is, we all can communicate as we do it on a daily but how much of your communication is conscious verse unconscious? When we communicate, we should focus on being understood clearly rather than being misunderstood. Miscommunication for me personally I've found to be the #1 reason for conflict and tension in any relationship.

Through my observations, we commonly miscommunicate through our tones and body language. I can seem to be a pro at ineffectively expressing myself, so please call me "Miss Communication". For example, my boyfriend at the time and I were standing in his kitchen talking, preparing to head back up to school. Our topic of conversation I wouldn't necessarily consider an urgent matter as we discussed plans for the day and feelings about the weekend. Being someone who cares deeply about this significant other at the time had been worried about concerned about him and with those thoughts on my mind, made my expressions of communication very vague. When he prompted me to understand more, I was foolish and unconsciously grabbed the items we had packed to put them into the car as I finished my sentence. This was communicated badly on my part. This left him with a perception that I was either upset or wanted to disassociate myself from the conversation. In my point of view, I simply wanted to continue the conversation as I only desired to multitask which I can see was wrong on my part.

When we often communicate, I've learned overtime that it's important to give those your communicating with your full undivided attention. Although I may be a communication major, I am always still learning and finding ways to better my communication skills. It's important to remember that our communication is a lack of will, not necessarily skill.

A study found that on average when we receive messages we intake 15% of words, 35% of tone and 51% or nonverbal communication. Do the words we use matter? -Absolutely. However we tend to understand messages more through how one communicates them. -It's not what you say, it's how you say it

I was recently on the phone with a friend as I was expressing some deeper rooted information concerning my life and expressing how some of those trials have made me who I am today. His response was, "Oh! I had no idea you were so broken!" *Big sigh. If you're thinking what I think you are, -definitely a bad choice of words on his part. Luckily I understood what he was trying to say however that word "broken" stuck out like a sore thumb for the past few weeks that I've seen him in person.

Another friend of mine that I often communicated with on a daily seemed to almost always be stressed and would affect his tone of communication with me, making me take it personally as if I've upset him when that wouldn't necessarily be the case. The tone in that relationship was often miscommunicated leaving me with feelings of hurt and confusion.

It's extremely important to be aware of the conscious and unconscious ways we communicate and express our thoughts and ideas. The more we internally think about the best and most respectful way to communicate, the better our messages will be received.

What experiences do you have with miscommunication? I'd love to hear from YOU.

Caring Enough to Cope

I'm not much of a TV watcher. When acquaintances and friends talk about their latest favorite TV series, I'm often lost in the conversation unless it's about Friends. This week I decided to find a show I would be interested in watching to give myself some efficient breaks and enjoy entertainment which I don't normally do. Due to the fact that I'm running on about one hour of sleep last night, I think it's safe to say that I found my show. If you haven't seen or looked into Designated Survivor, I promise you it is extremely captivating. Yes - I understand there are probably many at this point in my blog who are criticizing my decisions last night of prioritizing entertainment over needed sleep. Yes - I realize it probably wasn't the smartest idea as an already exhausted college student, however I feel there's much to learn and apply even through watching relationships thrive and grow through fictional or maybe realistic challenges.

In short, Designated Survivor highlights the role of a man holding the position of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the lower-level cabinet is unexpectedly thrown into the seat of President by a devastating bombing attack on the capital. Tom Kirkman, newly appointed president, and his wife; Alex Kirkman suddenly have many stressors of responsibilities to their country that would forever change and effect the dynamic of their family unit consisting of two kids; Leo - a typical 17 year old and his younger sister, Penny - an 11 year old.

In season 1, episode 2 President Kirkman and his wife Alex leave Leo in the Whitehouse with the responsibility of watching his sister and keeping her away from the television that would broadcast their parents live as they visit and pay tribute to those that died in the capital bombing. After playing a few card games with his sister, Leo got distracted and left the room to make a phone call to a friend, leaving curious Penny to turn on the TV and witness a shooting breakout that put her parents; the president and first wife in danger.

After president and first lady Kirkman arrive safely back at the Whitehouse, the mother approaches Leo about his failed obligation to keep his sister away from the TV and this was their conversation:

Leo Kirkman : How is she?

Alex Kirkman : Well, how do you think she is? She just watched her father almost get trampled. You had one job: to keep her away from the TV.

Leo Kirkman : I did.

Alex Kirkman : Until you didn't. You... you left her alone.

Leo Kirkman : I got a phone call. It... it's not my job to be her parent.

Alex Kirkman : Well, guess what? We're all doing jobs that we weren't doing yesterday. Leo, nothing's the same anymore. Look, I know it's asking a lot. But you're just gonna have to grow up faster.

My point concerning this long introduction is that under any variety of circumstances, a family needs to learn to cope or deal with stress effectively. Part of coping is creating strong and proper boundaries within the relationship to allow these connections to thrive and grow together in unity.

Although we might not experience drastic life changing events as well demonstrated in my newly found show, we each will experience times in our lives where stress is added on the heart strings of the family such as the lost of a child, being released from a job, etc. Remember that a little added stress is a motivator in change and helps build our character.

No matter our circumstances, as we continue to work together as a family unit and grow in charity and love we can overcome the stresses of these earthly experiences. Helping individual family members cope can be a great blessing not only to them but you as well as the caretaker.

What situations in your family have you needed to help adjust and cope to? How has that strengthened your family? I would love to hear from you!

Fighting to Forgive

Learning how to forgive my father for the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse he engraved with scars across my body and along the vessels of my heart is perhaps the most humiliating yet humbling lesson still yet to embrace. How to accept the actions of this man who's never openly acknowledged these heavy and intensive scars he's constructed goes beyond my mortal capabilities.

My father held great knowledge and wisdom pertaining to the law. Raised in a christian home, he understood gospel doctrines and principles sharply. Playing the roles of a sheriff deputy, priesthood holder and father to whom a child should look to for protection, security and love was he whom caused my spirit much confliction.

I vividly remember walking into school with black and purple marks on my body, I eagerly approached my fourth grade teacher for help. As a newly certified sheriff, he would demonstrate and practice his takedowns on me, throwing me to the ground and handcuffing my arms behind my back. He found fulfillment in my pain, leaving him with feelings of power and dominance. Sitting in the nurse's office as she examined my body, a flood of fear filled my mind as she reached for the phone to contact my father. As a master manipulator, he somehow convinced my school nurse nothing servere was taking place at home, and she sent me on my way back to class. After awhile, I grew numb to the physical abuse.

Eighth grade approached. Physical and emotional abuse from my father transformed into sexual comments, then sexual demands. From time to time, my father would introduce me to many strange sexual objects and clothing, nagging me to try things on for him. I always refused. As time went on, the severity of my abuse grew more intense and memories of being sexually abused by my father at five years old clicked like a lightbulb. Eventually through countless miracles and without much effort on my own, I was rescued from my abuse through a phone call made to Child Protective Services by my grandmother.

Today, sparks of anxiety flutter in the empty cage of my stomach when reading the commandment given in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 which states “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” Admittedly, there are times where I feel great pity concerning the temptations he’s to overcome. I sense a deep loneliness within his soul as he lingers to trod through the dirt gravel road in search for complete happiness. Through this struggle, I’ve gained a deeper understanding that no man is made perfect. It’s ok to forgive, yet forgetting isn’t made so simple, and are we made to forget one’s faults? I believe remembering the pain and afflictions caused by others is a valuable lesson and once applied into one’s life can create majestic and powerful ambitions for change for the future. Never forgetting molds the mind to finding greater compassion and acceptance, assisting our understanding of the baggage every human drags along with them.

Eventually, through soft steps of an infant, I too can learn to love and forgive like the Savior. To feel Christ’s compassion and love for an empty man who tossed his family into the sea for the shining pearls of temporarily pleasures. There is no struggle too strong for the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Do Engagements Matter?

We are all familiar with hilarious engagement "fails" on youtube when the girl typically rejects the guys proposal without anymore information as the viewer. However, this often proposes an important question within itself; does how we get engaged matter?

I personally think that is determined between the couple, but most importantly the person getting thrown the question. As an individual who has been proposed to before, I can say from my experience that YES, how someone proposes does matter.. at least to me.

If my significant other is proposing, I want to feel secure in the relationship that we currently hold. It's important to know that they are serious about sharing the rest of their life in a committed relationship to which we support, learn, and grow together even throughout the most difficult of times. It's important to me personally that permission is granted from parents before the act of preposing happens and that my parents are made aware of the seriousness of this relationship.

According to https://www.thrillist.com/, research found that about 94% of couples talk about getting engaged within about 6 months of actually doing so. Research also found that about 30% of these couples talked about engagement or marriage at least once a week. According to Zola, about 60% of couple have at least part of their wedding planned out before actually getting engaged. Why is this? The biggest and most popular reason being is security. Both partners have an inner desire to feel secure and safe in their relationship to know the appropriate steps to move it in the right direction. This often has me questioning those couples we watch on youtube with the failed engagements if their preparation included discussions before hand and if so, how in depth? Could it also be that how the proposal was expressed, whether privately or publicly had a huge influence on the decision? 

Engagements are more sedimental when done privately (not in front of a large group of people), however some may prefer the whole shebang of making it a huge public event. Is it possible that because some couples make their engagement a public viewing that the typically the girl or significant other getting popped the question is more likely to say "yes" than making a scene? According to a few youtube video's it still happens yet many still agree to getting engaged out of public pressure. No one wants to hurt another person's feeling in front of a large group of family and friends. Yet even tho some do agree to getting married, about 20% of couples end up breaking off their engagements. -I being part of that percentage.

Does how we get engaged matter? -YES! But most importantly, how a couple plans their wedding together is crucial to the success of their marriage. Gentleman and women who allow your significant other to plan the entire wedding and claim they don't care, this is YOUR wedding too. I've heard too many times from guys in general that the wedding is for the women and to please her, but what really pleases her is when you also care about your future together, including planning a wedding whether it be big or small, your input is vital.

After getting engaged back in 2015, I quickly learned that the man who proposed wasn't as serious about getting married to me after all which was easily seen in the lack of his efforts to plan a life with me that he claimed he so badly wanted. In some questions you might have regarding the engagement process, no I had no idea he would be proposing because we didn't talk about it. Yes, I felt pressure to say yes to his engagement as we were still in the learning phase, getting to know each other better and me being a young teenager who doesn't know how to hurt someones feelings.

When you get engaged, you are then planning your life with someone and it shouldn't be taken lightly yet it also shouldn't scare you away from taking that step with someone spectacular. In the end, follow your heart, communicate and work together with your special someone in growing a life and family that you can be proud of.

I would love to hear about any personal engagement "fails or success stories! Comment below or feel free to send me an email.